It was non school uniform today. I hated it! I had nothing to wear and i felt fat all day. I got stuck in my big red jumper and stuck with my french and stuck with my stupid stupid friend. I HATE HER. She is stupid and boring and selfish and every moment i spend with her i want to scream at her. How dare you laugh at my problems, i would never do that to you, you don't seem to get that not everyone is in the same average gummy bear bubble as you. I HATE YOU! She mocks me and calls me weird but i don't care because when i leave this horrible stupid ugly place i am never looking back. I feel so alone and no one understands me. No one cares apart from my mum and i hate everyone else. Now she's left to go out because no one would want to ever spend their Friday evening with me. No one understands me and that's probably why instead of doing all these 'normal' teenage things like going out I'm sitting in my room with the door shut in my pink pyjamas crying and writing this. Well guess what world i don't give two fucks what you want and expect me to be. I HATE YOU ALL! All you've ever done is laugh at me and whisper behind me and bully me because I'm not like you, i don't speak or think or talk or look like you. I feel so alone and i hate it here, i can't cope and i can't go on wasting my life. I'm better than this. If i died it would be more of a loss than every single person in this city dying. This life is so fucking exhausting, every day is the same. Every day is too long and what is the point. I'm never going to use any of the shit you are shoving down my throat. I'd rather die and sleep because every night when i go to bed i dread waking up the next day and every morning all i can think is here we go again. Apparently i need 'help', well of course i fucking do. That's another thing i hate about EVERYONE, all conversation is so pointless. It's a series of questions you already know the answer to and words repeated and exchanged until the end of time. Anyway i don't want help, i want to go. I don't want to die and i don't want to live; I'm stuck. I just want a middle path. I don't know what to do. I get therapy in April but it's not going to work because i don't want it to because i don't want to live like this. It hurts and when it doesn't ache i long for it to hurt because at least it's feeling and anything is better than feeling empty and lonely.

Water

What is life?
Is it not like the ever changing water that flourishes and flows.
Like the ebbing and waning of my heart that knows no steady tide
That knows no float to keep it upright
That has never been still for me
Water is cold were i sit
I choke on the daily tide and the salt stings my eyes as they flood with whirlpools of grey translucent water
When i am floating i feel despair because though i am not drowning i long for the smell of brine to drag me under to the seabed were i feel deliriously pained but safe.

Afterword

As it decreases i am heavy with it
Life is normal once again and i hate it
I hate how now i am a creature of no pain and no insight
I seek the fog that brings me pain and i shy from the relief that brings me nothing
Now black is gray tinged with acid red and the pink from my habitat which is too much to bear
As my head aches and my eyes solidify once more i feel lost without the devil
The devil who makes me feel somehing that is not mere smoke and surface
Though he hurts

All of my being is melancholy

All of my being is melancholy
All of my being is melancholy
All of my being is melancholy
All of my being is melancholy
All of my being is melancholy
All of my being is melancholy
All of my being is melancholy

All the worlds heart is black
All of their faces are blank
Everyone is silent but my screams fill the air
All else is insignificant
The world is void
THE WORLD IS VOID i cry in frustration as the words echo round the cave. They circle and only symphony can awaken me from this impending black cradle of living.
The creatures with their emptiess stare at me as i die.

The Next Day

I'll keep this post quick. Today was fine. It was good actually. Sainsburys. I went to a cafe with mummy and i felt ok. I watched youtube compulsivly and that was about it. My only problems today was sitting in the cafe and being a little overwhelmed and shaky. I glanced non stop and felt self consience about the wrinkles in my leggings. Nausea was average. Today i mused why i wasn't having my weekend blues at the thought of going back to school on monday and the never ending hampster wheel especially so far away to the holidays.

Today

Right now i feel passive. I just feel tired emotionally but i cant figure out how i'me feeling. Possibly this is because i'me too tired and it is late. Today i had very mixed emotions. I wrote my first poem in PE. It was the first time i ever felt depressed at school and i was hanging on to the bench things in W park. Emily W called me a freak and Ellie P moved away from me to the other side of the bench. I put my head on my hands and pretended to be passive. I felt it pulling me under then. I wanted to get away from the stupid empty people in the room. I wrote and Lucy E exclaimed across the court that i was doing so. I pretended to be doing something else but then i kept writing and that i think is when i came up with the idea for this blog. Danielle my empty supposed friend ditched me walking back to school. I call her empty because i am not going to waste any other words on my so called friend. Nobody in that classroom will ever know who i am because nobody will ever think in the same way as i do, past the mundane into the truth. Therefore i will always stand out. Even if they do not ridicule me because i fit it somewhat i will never be like them. I will always care. I will always be different. I had an ok evening and a normal rest of the day that i am not going to discuss. The blackness is gone now,the loneliness (partially) is gone and the nausea is gone but it will be back.

Written in P.E on 4/3/10

Loneliness is black
I feel nothing
I feel no warmth

It passes through me
The echoing voices circle like shadows
They numb my brain

Violent caresses
Black black all black
Encircles and claws at me

Help me i'me falling!
the tides are dragging me down
I am drowning

As my breath quickens
Though i am invisible to the faceless herd
They stare at me

My pen quivers in my hand
Though they are not my enemy i hate them
They tear at me and i am torn

Their weapon is loneliness and i will die from it.